...i dont remember the date i wrote this

Getting in the car with Charlene after midnight felt normal for some reason. Maybe it's because I missed her or because I wanted myself to feel like a badass and make her believe that I had a life. I kind of felt uncomfortable because i knew what she didn't want me to know and it was killing me. I started to get mad and turned my head to look out the window to the "dark abyss". The car felt small but probably not to her because she didn't know that I knew. When we pulled up to Bryan's house we went to the back to find Bryan, Stanley, Anthony, and someone else whose name slipped my mind. In the middle of the table was a hookah. Charlene went straight over to Anthony...as usual and sat by him. I sat by myself...as usual by the wall. Charlene joined in what the called a "rotation". I smelled the smoke and it reminded me of warm cinnamon apples and it felt like i was at home with scented candles. After Bryan took a hit of hookah he asked if I wanted to try it, and I said sure. I found myself sitting there and thinking I, my little sophomore self, wanted to fit in with a crowd of college freshmen who think they're awesome or whatever, and you know how in the movies when the main character is thinking to themselves when someone asks them a question and like 5 minutes later they respond. well real life isn't a FUCKING movie. You have 5-10 seconds before they move on with their lives. As I was trying it Charlene gave me this satisfied look and it made me laugh because it seemed like she was happy I was fitting in, but what she didn't know was that I was so out of my comfort zone. The smoke started to burn my lungs when I was laughing and I tried again. The feeling of being light headed felt good because it cleared my mind and I couldn't have these thoughts that I'm having now. I'm not saying that I'm addicted to it but that it just felt nice to feel that way

i lied

Okay so i know i promised that i would right a poem next time i was gonna past but i lied. I'm POed! Last night i went to go see a movie with my mother and then my cousin texts me wanting to know if i wanted to hang. i said yeah sure but wait til i get home. he said to ask our friend to pick me up just in case so i did. she never replied and when i told him that he said that he passed my house already picked up the rest of the crew and went out to eat leaving me behind. well FUCK YOU TO! He was goin to stop by later but i told him i was going to sleep and that he didnt have to. I didnt go to sleep until 2 1/2 hours later. Its not like he was going to drop by anyways. the only reason i'm mad is that its usually me getting left behind. Now today i made plans with the rest of the crew but they totally forgot and made other plans. COME ON! THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT! Honestly i dont want anything to do with them anymore but knowing me im going to jump when they want me to hang out. I'm their bitch and they know that. I'm tired of jumping when they want me to.