...i dont remember the date i wrote this

Getting in the car with Charlene after midnight felt normal for some reason. Maybe it's because I missed her or because I wanted myself to feel like a badass and make her believe that I had a life. I kind of felt uncomfortable because i knew what she didn't want me to know and it was killing me. I started to get mad and turned my head to look out the window to the "dark abyss". The car felt small but probably not to her because she didn't know that I knew. When we pulled up to Bryan's house we went to the back to find Bryan, Stanley, Anthony, and someone else whose name slipped my mind. In the middle of the table was a hookah. Charlene went straight over to Anthony...as usual and sat by him. I sat by myself...as usual by the wall. Charlene joined in what the called a "rotation". I smelled the smoke and it reminded me of warm cinnamon apples and it felt like i was at home with scented candles. After Bryan took a hit of hookah he asked if I wanted to try it, and I said sure. I found myself sitting there and thinking I, my little sophomore self, wanted to fit in with a crowd of college freshmen who think they're awesome or whatever, and you know how in the movies when the main character is thinking to themselves when someone asks them a question and like 5 minutes later they respond. well real life isn't a FUCKING movie. You have 5-10 seconds before they move on with their lives. As I was trying it Charlene gave me this satisfied look and it made me laugh because it seemed like she was happy I was fitting in, but what she didn't know was that I was so out of my comfort zone. The smoke started to burn my lungs when I was laughing and I tried again. The feeling of being light headed felt good because it cleared my mind and I couldn't have these thoughts that I'm having now. I'm not saying that I'm addicted to it but that it just felt nice to feel that way

i lied

Okay so i know i promised that i would right a poem next time i was gonna past but i lied. I'm POed! Last night i went to go see a movie with my mother and then my cousin texts me wanting to know if i wanted to hang. i said yeah sure but wait til i get home. he said to ask our friend to pick me up just in case so i did. she never replied and when i told him that he said that he passed my house already picked up the rest of the crew and went out to eat leaving me behind. well FUCK YOU TO! He was goin to stop by later but i told him i was going to sleep and that he didnt have to. I didnt go to sleep until 2 1/2 hours later. Its not like he was going to drop by anyways. the only reason i'm mad is that its usually me getting left behind. Now today i made plans with the rest of the crew but they totally forgot and made other plans. COME ON! THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT! Honestly i dont want anything to do with them anymore but knowing me im going to jump when they want me to hang out. I'm their bitch and they know that. I'm tired of jumping when they want me to.

wooowwww its been so long lol

Sooooooo I wrote this poem about my bestfriend Taylor. She cried reading it! It wasnt one of my best works but im sooooooooo glad she appreciated it. I love taylor...in a no homo kinda way...I told her I had more poems and I'll show them to her. Hopefully she likes them as well. I doubt it because I'm an amature (spelled that totally wrong). I wonder if she's ever gonna read this but if she does.......HI TAYLOR!!! lol. I'm actually 100% sure she's not going to cause who would right :/. I'm sad to report...to myself since i have no followers...that I've lost my mojo. I haven't been inspired to write a new poem. I want to right a new one but i don't lnow what to write about. Ughhhh this is so frustrating. I miss just blasting my music while i sit on my bed writing my poems. I reread all my poems n HORRENDOUS songs in my little black book. Well I have to go now cause I have lab :(. Next post is gonna be a poem. Hopefully it's good and I hope it doesn't take long to get my mojo back.

College Farewell Poem

Day after day I cried for a sister.
Instead I got two brothers.
One is older and the other younger.

Now as the older one leaves I'm stuck with the younger.
I'm going to miss him dearly.
I then realized I'm glad I have a brother
that i get to see yearly.

A brother teaches you things a sister couldn't.
A brother always has your back.
He teaches you to stay strong and don't do anything he wouldn't.
He holds your hand through the pain and keeps you on track.

Autum days will fade away,
but memories will always stay the same.
I'm hoping you will never change.

So please don't forget to call me.
just to let me know,
your doing okay,
miles away from me ;)

The Opposite Sex

Okay, so yea i admit I like him, but he definitely doesn't like me and I don't blame him. I mean look at me I'm no Charlene or Natty who are both stunningly beautiful. It's my fault for that, but what's done is done right :/. Sometimes I dream I'm like either one of them and actually have a chance with him. Truth is most things i tell them is a lie because my life is boring and has no meaning and they would think my one and only friend is weird. I want them to see me lime I'm trying to be like them, I don't know how to be me, and even if I did I wouldn't know who me is...if that makes sense. I'm just awkward around the opposite sex. I don't know how to flirt with guys and it's a bad thing. But yea I'm absolutely clueless about these things.....I haven't written a poem lately. My next post is gonna be a poem.

sisters

I've always wanted an older sister. Instead I'm stuck with one older and younger brother. Don't get me wrong I love them very much, but being the only girl in the house sucks ( my mom doesn't count). I love to read, and in each book I pick up the story line is usually about sister an sister. I don't think I've read a book that's about brother and sister. In these books the main character has flashbacks of what it was like when her and her sister were little, or when her and her sister talked about boys, school, friends, and other shit. I can't talk to my brother about these things because he won't get it. Boys minds are different from girls and sometimes it makes it hard to communicate. I have girl cousins that are like my sisters but its not the same. I long to have a sister who would understand me even though we are polar opposites. I wouldn't mind a younger sister so I could help her out with her problems. But that's never going to happen. I wonder if Ramsley is happy he has both a younger sister and younger brother. Or maybe he didn't want to be the oldest and wanted an older brother. I don't know. All I know is having another girl in the house would be fun. Yes we would get into fights but we would laugh about them later. Yes we would cry over things but we'd help each other get through it. Yes our personalities would collide but that's what makes us stronger, knowing that we're different and being able to understand each other. That's what I want in life. To have that feeling you get when you see your sister talk about her new boyfriend and how she's in love. To watch her go shopping for the perfect dress for the school dance. To watch chick flicks and cry on the couch together while eating ice cream. If I had one wish it would be that I would have an older sister...along with my older brother and younger brother as well. I cried myself to sleep once because I knew wishes don't come true and I'd never have an older sister. I guess all I have are my girl cousins but they don't fill the hole in my heart of wanting a real sister. I know I should just accept reality that I won't ever have one but I can dream.

decisons decisions

When is the beginning of life?
Is it when you take your 1st breath, or
when you're still in the womb.
People ask how the girl can be so stupid,
but they for get that it takes two.

the guy's think how this ruins their lives.
If you don't want to have a baby I totally understand.
But it's not just you in this,
and if the girl decides to keep it grow up and be a man.

The guys isn't the only one at fault.
Like i said it takes two.
And since women are smarter than men,
they should've thought it through.

Now two people have to make the hardest decision known to man.
To either have and abortion or go with the pregnancy.
Remeber, don't just think about your lives,
think about the baby's.

confessial

I don't care about anyone and no one cares about me and that's the way it should be. I wanna go away and disappear not die but get away from here. Everyone calls me stupid or dumb. I've heard it so much I've gotten numb and I can't feel the pain when I bleed and I watch as people turn away from me as they see my scars and the pain. That's why I feel peaceful when it rains, because the sky is so dark and it looks like it's crying. That's the way I feel when I'm hiding so no one has to know what's wrong with me. Sometimes I want people to see. But if someone does they always ask questions about all the decisions I make to my body. There's not one person who sees me for me. Even my mom said I'm not the daughter she wanted me to be. She always has something to say like how I'm predictable and I always wear my hair the same way. She says that I should be the daughter she dreamed of and not someone she should be ashamed of. It's funny how I'm writing all this in American Lit with people sitting all around and not noticing a little bit that I'm writing some but not all actually not even close to all my feelings I guess I have to deal with the things. The one I', used to right now is being alone, and the bells about to ring so i can go home. So I got to go.

confusion

why do I feel depressed all the time?
One little thing pulls a trigger in my mind.
Then all of a sudden I start thinking negative.
It's probably so sensitive.
Sometimes I wish I was really dead.
Pop some pills to clear my head.
I bet some people won't even care.
Probably shed a tear here or there.
Just because they'll maybe feel guilty,
because they never got the chance to know me.
but right now I can careless.
I'm tired of this stupid mess.
I just want to know why do I always feel depressed.

Complications

Argument after argument.
Fight after fight.
The darkness of our souls,
revealed to all at night.

The impurities run down our ravines.
One by one we slowly take a drink,
into our troubled thoughts that empower our minds,
and then we soon speak before we can think.

Buttons are always pushed.
Most of us soon can't see clearly.
The deafness of our beating hearts,
are missed by the ones we find dearly.

Assumptions are made,
about who started it all.
For the one who didn't and held their own,
can hold their head tall.

this is TOTALLY unfair!

I LOVE how we can't go to the taste of chicago today which TREY SONGZ was performing at because charlene has work. Everyone is going tomorrow. The day I told people I can't go because I have an orthodontist appointment. They go weather I can or can't go, but when someone else can't go EVERYONE can't go. DO YOU SEE THE UNFAIRNESS HERE?!?!?!?! This is TOTAL bullshit. FUCK EVERYONE! I don't even know why I hang out with them...oh wait yea i do! Because I have no fucking friends! I dumped my friends to hang with them. I'M SOOOOO DUMB! They don't dump their friends to hang with me but I'm expected to dump EVERYTHING that I'm doing to hang with them or I'm a total bitch, the bad guy, the party pooper or whatever! You'd think that they would at least let me a part in deciding in what to do. I feel like a pack mule. They drag me along if they want something or need me to do something. I'm sick and tired of it. My mom is right I just push everything aside like nothing is wrong and don't put in my opinion. It's time to say SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO FUCKING SAY. I don't want to be the odd man out anymore. Yes I'm the youngest, yes I'm the most inexperienced, and yes I'm the annoying little debbie downer, but I am apart of the group and I want to be heard. That's all I want.

soft rain

I like it when it rains.
It keeps my mind in check.
Makes me feel sane.
The dripping of the wet drops across my window pane.
The sound is relaxing.
It makes me feel calm.
Knowing all the bad things are being washed along.
The stream the rain leaves,
flowing down my street;
it makes me believe
that it washes away all the wrong
that I've ever done.
Which is why I find the rain...
Relaxing

the pedestal

Claudia do this, Claudia do that. Claudia go to the gym because you're fat.
This is for all the people who I love and I like, and to the one's who couldn't sleep at night.

People expect us to do great things.
They place us on these pedestals.
It's a long way down.
People always want more from you
thinking that you can do it without a doubt.
If you fail to meet their expectations
you're a disappointment.
If you exceed their expectations their proud.
Why can't they just be proud about how hard we tried?
Other than shutting us out, calling us names, and acting like we died.
I feel like I'm taken for granted because I say yes.
But when i don't want to do something they asked they call me names.
There's a lot of things I want to confess.
But when I ask them to do something they say no.
Why can't people show gratitude and act the same?

dear lil' star

Oh bright & independent star
even though you're really far
i can still see you shine.
How i wish that power was mine.
Even though you're all alone
your greatness is forever shown.
How you illuminate the sky
while the world pasts you by.
And when I look up to the sky
and you're not there
I know you can be anywhere.
Giving someone else hope
so the next day they can cope
with all their struggles.
When you leave to have a fresh new start
oh little star just know
you'll always be in my heart.

soooooo today i finally got my permit....FREEDOM!!! The thing is is that no one wants me to drive with them. that's kind of frustrating but whatever. I should learn to not care about things. its so weird how Chris got a B+ on his driving final when i got a B. HE FAILED EVERY TEST WE TOOK AND NOW HE GETS A BETTER GRADE THEN ME! WHAT'S UP WITH THAT!!! Oh geez now I'm competing with him. I don't want people to see me as the fat depressing, lame little girl that I am. I want to make more of myself and do something productive. The problem is is that I am so lazy that i make the guy in that in the worlds of warcraft episode in south park looks good. I'M A TOTAL FAILURE!!!!!! I'm basically just going on and on and on about nothing. It's not like anyone's going to read this though. Who would look up my name on google and find this blog and read about how depressing and insecure and lame and a failure I am. I don't know why I'm even writing this. It kind of feels good to get this off my chest though, but if anyone I know reads this I'm totally fucked. I'm going to write a novel, which is probably never going to get published...or finished in that manner. I'm going to write about my life but change the names of people so it seems like a fiction story and not an autobiography. Like come on! Who in the world is going to read an autobiography about me?!?!?!?! i have no life what-so-ever!! "I want to take a permenent nap." I quote this from those depression videos we watch in health. I know it's a serious issue but who really says that and means it. The guy in the video was an actor, what does he know about people's lives? Me on the other hand wants to crawl under a rock and stay there...not so that I would commit suicide or something; just a hiding place. A place to call my own other than my rooom which by the way has no lock so i have no privacy at all. In the movie Guess Who with Ashton Kutcher his fiancee brings him to a place where she goes just to get away from it all and think. I seriously need a place like that. I found one but there is absolutely no way that I'm walking there during the night. HERE WE GO AGAIN!! I sound so depressing... :|. well i'm going to post this right now so that i don't have to rant about anymore things and so it doesn't make me sound like I have a problem. I probably sound like I have ADD or ADHD.....well yea maybe I'll post something tomorrow....or mamybe not...

indiscretion

selfishness consumes us.
ignorance makes us blind.
confusion conquers all and
arrogance condemns the mind.

the challenge defeats the purpose.
the prize has empty meanings.
the hero does it for himself, and
that is the biggest treason.

peace and happiness is all a lie.
the real things are violence and pain.
we all believe in what we want, so
believing in harmony can make us sane.

the rules of survival keeps us alive.
the same rules for most people.
others may have different rules, but
in the end at the same place we're all equals.